Listening to your gut #WorkDiaries

The good thing about going to therapy and generally being self aware is that the little person inside you who flags things is more active than usual. Yesterday, Manager + Senior manager decided to dump a huge and complex task that took several months to build on me to ask me to go live. I was aghast. The SME in me knew that it was a fool-hardy task at best. How was it possible that a new resource, barely a month into the team, completely take over a huge and complicated task and drive it to going live? Now I know a lot of you will come up and let me know that “I can do it”, “You’re a pussy for panicking”, “Great risks lead to great rewards”, yada, yada, yada.

The first thing I did was to reach out to the manager and say I was not comfortable with the task. Next I reached out to the senior manager and said the same thing. He chewed me out, did not listen to my valid comments – It’s too big, what if something goes wrong, please prioritise my tasks etc. and basically told me that if I cannot handle it, I should be replaced. I was a ball of manic, wired, anxious energy by now. I got off the call and bawled my eyes out.

The inner ME, who is very active lately – immediately flagged that I have not felt this way in a long time. That I was overwhelmed, frustrated. Slowly I started breaking down my feelings and came to the following conclusion – I was not listened to, my concerns were dismissed, I despite of flagging risks, was not told to come up with valid documents or evidence to support and was not given any guidance whatsoever to mitigate the risks. In fact, when I suggested a project plan, I was told “I do not micro-manage”.

Thankfully partner also helps, calms me down and asked me why am I not more indifferent to this and why should someone’ s opinion matter so much. That lit a bulb. I was like yes, this is someone’s opinion. Am I worried how the SM perceives me? The answer was YES. That I realised that taking up this tasks had its risks, I had expressed my discontentment and YET there was no resolution. There were no project plans, there was no strategy to take over this task, there was only an opinion which said – I must drive this task to completion.

A dear friend, who is not part of this world anymore, had once said to me – its easier to not take up a task and kick up a fuss in the beginning than embark on a task, muddle through it, get it wrong and have it explode in your face. It’s good advice, It’s great advice. In this competitive world, where all your flaws are magically exemplified, its good strategy to NOT do things which you are not comfortable with, rather than get them wrong.

1. You take care of yourself. It is self care to set healthy boundaries, if your gut instinct says this is not right, it’s valid.
2. Growth comes from a place of support, collaboration and mutual trust.
3. The internalizer in me started to blame myself and I stopped and knew that I raised valid points it was not listened to.
4. That to go at my own pace was not a sin as long as its not impacting project deliverables.
5. DO NOT do work outside the scope of your job unless you learn something from it of value.

I have now come to the conclusion that I will not be heading this task. That I will initiate a project plan, track KT sessions and bring myself to speed, BUT will not take responsibility for deploying it live. That I foresee the stress of doing it, is just not worth it.

In this Instagram world everybody will project their successes on every available platform. But how to tackle the failures, how to always ensure that the work you do comes from a feeling of growth? How do you pre-empt a stressful lifestyle? While this decision is made, I’m still struggling from the guilt of it. Somewhere I do feel I have let myself down even though I know taking it on is a bad decision. Why does no one talk about it? That sometimes you’re just not up to the task. That it is valid to ask for accountability from your managers and senior managers. That you are not a “problem resource” for asking uncomfortable questions.

I would love to hear thoughts or more ideas on how you tacked a complicated solution at work. A collaborative way to find the best way forward and learn from mistakes and/or recommendations from others. Please let me know.

Love,

Qoj178

A cup of tea

I joined a new college. And initially it is hectic. The hustle of signing in, getting a hostel room allotted, finding a new roomie(She is really nice 🙂 ) and the unpacking and settling in there. And after all the excitement dies down, there comes a lull. Where suddenly you are deflated. Where you get vulnerable and suddenly you start recalling all you left behind. In that moment you terribly miss your family. You recall all kinds of things you should have done and worry terribly about what is going to come. You know it is going to be a minefield and wonder if there is a pause somewhere where you dont feel so strung out. And at that point I almost drove home. Not for good but to spend one more night with my family. To bask in my room where everything was tailored for me and maybe hug my dog. But I didnt. At the advice of my friend I stayed back. Soon my roomie asked me to go for a cup of tea. And the two of us set out to the canteen. Suddenly we were joined by someone I knew from coaching classes and her roomie. And before we knew it, one cup of tea at 4pm stretched out till 6.30pm. Conversation just flowed. After all I wasnt the only one here all alone. Soon our next door neighbors joined us and the meet shifted to our hostel. By the next morning, We knew almost everyone on our floor. That was close to 40 girls. Suddenly and very unexpectedly, a new world had opened up. And it all started with a cup of coffee.

The beach.

It was a balmy day. Just a smattering of clouds in a blue, blue sky. Soft wind was blowing and the setting sun was picturesque to behold on this beach.  I was strolling down on the white sand with my best friend. The wind in our hair, the crunch of seashells, sand under our flip flops and a soft glow of the setting sun, it was perfect. The thing about Pooja and I, is that we can sit next to each other in perfect contentment. Words aren’t necessary and silence is never awkward. Sometimes, I wonder if I have some connection with her from a previous life. I don’t see her often but when I do, it is like a continuation. Not like she has been away but she has been there all along. In some way; connected. No body can understand why she and I are friends. We are as different as chalk and cheese. I cant understand why we are friends. But I know this: The connection is definitely there. Maybe from a different dimension, or a different time, but definitely there. Now I don’t know why I told you so much about her. This story isn’t about her. She just happened to be there that day. But once I started typing, the words just flew out. One day maybe I will tell her how I feel. She already knows, but I will tell her anyway.

Coming back to my story. We were walking, on a beach, on an incredibly pleasant day. We were steps away from a small jetty that connected the beach to a tiny island. You could walk across to the island during low tide, but during high tide, the waters were choppy. I judged that we were maybe mid-tides as the water was quite deep but not violent. It looked calm on the surface. My deep reverie was broken when my name rang sharply across the river. I jerked up, quite rankled at the urgency in that voice. I saw my friend Nate straddling what looked like a man nearly drowning. He was frantically beckoning me to come and help. I am pretty good a swimmer and I cast my eye around the situation. It looked like the man had his ankle caught on something and Nate was holding him to keep him from going under. His few friends were standing on the shore of the island looking quite bewildered. Nate looked distressed and I frowned. Thats funny, thought I. The man would have been easily been able to swim across. The water wasn’t deep at all. At that point I should have realised that what doesnt look right, probably isn’t right. A vague unease enveloped me. And I did what I do always in times of stress, I brushed aside my inner conscious. Then I kicked off my shoes, steadied myself and jumped into the water. I plunged into frigidly cold water. It took me by so much surprise, I had to steady myself after a few strokes. My feeling of unease notched up a little higher. I swam easily across the channel.

“Whats up?” I blurted out, as soon as I neared them. He looked perplexed as ever. Nate is the swimmer in our group. He was a national level swimmer and was someone most confident in the water. “I can’t get him out”, he answered. “The sea weed just refuses to untangle and I can’t do it by myself, it is too deep”.

And then… I looked at the guy… He was gorgeous. My mouth dropped open. Not gorgeous in a male model kind of a way, but someone with sharp eyes and hard mouth. He had this incredible presence about him, a vitality, a command. Even in this predicament, he was not frazzled or rattled. His glance at me, cut thought all my defences. It looked straight into my soul. I was mesmerized. I couldnt look away. For what looked like eons but maybe was just seconds, we were gazing into each other’s souls.

Half submerged, Nate yelled out my name in annoyance. Right, thought I. Set him free. I dived under the water but nothing could be seen. The water was starting to swirl and it was kicking up sand in protest. As competent a swimmer as I am, I couldn’t make it to the bottom. I tried to swim down again and again. What is it, thought I, completely frustrated. And accidentally, my leg brushed his ankle. I stopped short. What the hell? It didn’t feel as though there was some weed entangling his foot, it looked like someone was holding it. I could feel long bony fingers clasping his ankle, underwater. I looked up at the guy again. And somehow, his whiskey brown eyes knew it all along. He looked at me half amused and half worried. He knew too that it was no weed holding him so tight. I dived again, attempting to get a better look. But the more I did, the more futile it was. I tried brushing his foot again to convince myself I hadn’t imagined it. But nope. It was still there, what looked like skeletal fingers, holding his ankle in a vise. Cold fear was settling down my spine and I was reaching a point of desperation like no other. What was holding him? Why was it holding only him? How long would it hold him? Why wasn’t it letting him go? By now, the waters were swirling dangerously and I knew it wouldn’t be long before either we drowned or got washed away into a dark and threatening ocean. The wind was strong as an ox but silent. And it hit me, that there wasn’t a sound to be heard. Everything was quite. Wind, water, animals. It was violent but just so silent. And colder, it was getting colder. Something evil was definitely around.

And then I just reacted. It was one of those moments, where something deep in your subconsciousness takes over. A buried wisdom, an instinct, that kicks into play. I started to unscrew my diamond earrings. Both the men, paused, and looked at me like I was crazy! What was I doing at a time like this? Honestly, I didn’t know either. I dropped the earrings at the trapped guy’s feet and I started to look around for something else, that I could throw. Before the guy could react, i stripped off his watch. It definitely looked expensive. Rolex. I threw it at his feet too. And then, it struck me, my silver ring! I wrenched it off my fingers and paused. I loved that ring. It was giving to me by my uncle and aunt at a very bad time. It represented love and support to get me through all things that I thought were more than I could handle. And I knew, that this would be one thing that would be bribe enough for that unholy creature. Something that wasn’t that valuable, but had incredible sentimental value. I closed my eyes, said a small prayer, and dropped the ring. The man raised his eyebrows. His sharp eyes had missed nothing. And instantly, I felt powerful hands grab me and leading me on my way to shore. The man was free and was dragging me out of the channel, onto the shore. We looked at each other, and again, there was that old time worn connection, We didn’t need words. His eyes asked me how I had done it. And who was I? I couldn’t even muster a smile. I was just too shaken, I got up and started walking away. He just lay there and turned his gaze towards the ocean. I knew it would be a while before he trusted any ocean, sea or any other water body again. An old fisherman watching the scene, walked up to me. He looked at me in empathy. I was torn between asking him about the incident and just getting the hell out of this weird place. I opened my mouth and realized that no sounds were forthcoming. Nate was avoiding my gaze too. I looked back and saw him staring at me. And suddenly I was sure, I would be seeing him again. Soon. I turned around and walked away. It had been a crazy day.

 

Note:  I love stories, this is my first attempt at writing them for a change.

Chaos

That delicious time, when you just get back from a trip and everything is in disarray. Your makeup is stashed in some corner of a suitcase, All essentials are everywhere but the place you need them to be. Your laundry hamper is a mini mountain just waiting to topple and you best shoes are dirty and need to be brushed ASAP! And in spite of all this, your head is teaming with memories and anecdotes and fun stuff you just want to share!

The resident Alpha(tag)

Ye gawds!! After reading two articles, Sasha @ Platinum Bubble and Divya @ A Divine Humour on personality types, I decided to play along and take all the quizzes and read the articles. And surprise, surprise I am an… Alpha!! **clap, clap clap!** It was definitely the entertainer of the day. While, those two claim to be Betas, I am distinctly reminded of various incidents where I was upstaged by them. Don’t let their pretty little faces fool you. Beta or no Beta 😛 ROFL!!

Anyhow, what I did notice was that in articles describing Alpha females – read this one ,were their particular traits. For example, Famous Alpha women listed people like
Blair Waldorf –

I love everything about her character. Her style, her always wanting to succeed, having a life long love like Chuck(where do I find one of those?? 😉 ) I think she epitomizes an Alpha beautifully- strength and grace under inhuman pressure. And she delicately supports Serena without ever being overshadowed by her.

Never letting your spirit wane

Anna Wintour – (Or Meryl Streep’s portrayal of he

Anna Wintour, Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada

r in The Devil wears Prada) Again, Strength and grace in impossible situations and Superb at what she does. (Oh, how I love that trait!)

Alpha females favorite films – The Devil wears Prada!(The movie, mind you. The book was one long rant.)

You’re not trying, You’re whining! (Nigel Barker to Andrea Sachs)

What are my twins supposed to do? Share?

And a few strong characters I would like to add
1. Dagny Taggart in the Atlas Shrugged(yes, I am team Atlas Shrugged, not team The Fountainhead)
2. Scarlett O’Hara from Gone with the Wind.
3. Elizabeth Bennet from The Pride and Prejudice
4. Princess Panchaali from The Palace of Illusions.
5. Robin from How I Met Your Mother.

The Cons –
Alpha females are known for being bitches. She will make sure to create drama and exaggerate things to the max.
– I have to agree with this. Drama is loved by my species and while it would be unfair to call us bitches, we do like getting what we want. Also, most alpha women are self-reliant. It is often portrayed as “being a bitch” or “aggressive” or “masculine”.
She’s possessive and sometimes jealous. You can forget about “poker nights” and similar, the alpha woman will decide who you meet and when.

– Umm, no, unfortunately, I don’t agree with this. Maybe possessive but rarely jealous. We are quite confident about who we are or what we do. And no, we are not crazy psycho bitches either where we dictate terms of your life. Just very choosy about our own.

Don’t expect her to accept her place in the kitchen, because she is far too evolved for that. She’s demanding and might as well ask her husband to clean, cook and take care of the children.
-Hahahahha! This one is bang on. I rarely cook but I clean, sort and organize the place till its gleaming. And every time I think about marriage or children, I do expect the man to do this job and help me too.

I think the author of the article mentioned above considers herself a Beta female as she seems to have judged the alphas, a bit too harshly, or maybe she had Samantha Jones (SATC) in mind while writing the article. If you are chasing an alpha, you have to be bit out there. They are liberal, kind, very loving, not needy, will fix the television for you in case you can’t, are independent and creative. Just a little pushy at times and honest. No much manipulations at their end as they will tell you how they feel rather bluntly. And its no mean feat to handle a woman of such caliber. Like Rhett Butler of GWTW, Barney Stinson of HIMYM, John Galt of Atlas Shrugged, Fiztwilliam Darcy of Pride and Prejudice and Chuck Bass of Gossip Girl, the alpha women tend to love the alpha-est of alpha men!

Pink Shoes!!

We always jump to conclusions.

Note: Dont carry that chip on your shoulder 🙂

Peer Pressure

Peer pressure is huge! It always tends to hit you in places where you least expect it. Like drinking. Its always easier to pretend to drink than to try telling people that you don’t enjoy it. No one believes you and frankly, are incredulous! “You don’t like to drink??” Nope. I usually come to a party for its music. To Dance. Or for my friends. For conversation. For dressing up. For dancing my ass off. For meeting new people. Umm, did I mention dancing my ass off? But rarely do I come to drink and get wasted and act stupid. Not coming of as judge-y or holier than thou, but this does come to mind 😀

Being Me!

Epitomizes me! Its a lovely comic by XKCD

All the time!

Saudade – Part 1

Longing for someone or something.

She was the perfect girl. He admired her strongly. He liked everything about her. She was his friend, his confidante. He was also super excited about being in a different city with her together. They laughed, they played, had crazy adventures. Until one day reality struck. He was a Muslim and she was a Hindu. An unlikely pairing and a forbidden one. He chose to let go off her. Abruptly. Without telling her why, or what. I don’t know her scenario, but he was heartbroken. He knew it wouldn’t work, that no matter how hard they would try, the gap was just too big. He couldn’t make either party unhappy – neither his parents, nor her. He couldn’t subject someone like her to a world so different. He walked away and prayed and prayed that she would get on with her life. Well, she did. Women are resilient creatures. But then one day, out of the blue, he saw her at a restaurant. She acted like nothing was wrong. She never said a word of reproach. She was just her usual nice self. And suddenly, he was desperate, desperate to ask how she was, how was everything, if she was moving on, if she was happy. Anything, Anything at all to have some connection, that spark, that bound them together. You just smile, laugh, make small talk and pretend everything is okay. But that moment was stuck in his heart – her eyes, her smile. He couldn’t get over it. It just stayed as a hard solidified ball of pain in his heart, as he watched her walk away. He was scarred for a lifetime.

Saudade(meaning) : A Portuguese word that is difficult to translate adequately. It describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for something or someone that was fond of and which is lost. It also describes a deep longing for something unattainable or that which doesn’t exist. Saudade was described as “the love that stays” or the “love that remains” after someone is gone.

Note: While I personally feel, it is not up to a guy to make decisions like this, this story rankles me. A lot of people are passionately in love with people they cannot have. Its a sort of obsession that you dont get over easily – Saudade

I loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night

by Sarah Williams

Have people ever told you, how they are afraid of the dark? Lots of people have said that to me. For a long time, I never understood that.. Boogie monsters under your bed? Start reciting math theorems, nothing drives away the blues like that one. Feel like something is swooshing by the window? Turn your head around and think about how cool it will be to have cotton candy as a pillow.(Yes, I have never been short of imagination either) It was only until, I read that line mentioned above, that I realised why I truly love the night. The stars! How can you not see them? Why do you see all the darkness and the non existing creatures? How can you not see the shining and the twinkling, the patterns and the promise of lands bizarre and obscenely different? I always feel awe when I look at them. Even the light I see is probably billions of light years old. It is so precious, I would like to keep something that ancient and store it in a jar. And what do you know, its not what you see. What must be happening on that star now, is what I will see maybe a few decades later and what I am seeing now, is what happened a few decades ago. A mini time warp. Mindblowing! And refreshing, an escape or more like a promise of a world so far away and so different from the one we have that we can only dream. Sometimes I picture a creature so different from us, sitting at his own window or dwelling and wondering about the possibility of another life form questioning the stars for similar answers. Hehehe, how cool would that be??

Calvin and Hobbes, philosophers since 1985 🙂